Inevitable Returns

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As anyone who ever looks at this record knows, I have been been absent here lately.

In my last post, I said I might not come around anymore, that this didn’t feel like something I wanted to do.

I don’t know if that’s true or not.

I recently received a message from a friend, with these words contained therein:

“What I did not know then was that there was also this detailed, day by day account…”

Then I remembered why it was that I began keeping a record and the thought of so many days going by marked only by perfunctory emails and 1/2 finished drawings in piles unacknowledged, the partial segments of memory unrecorded…it all made me recall the years before I kept a record and how I always wished that I had something to show for that time other than the imprecise and debatable sums of my life.

For a long time, posting here gave me proof of myself when I needed it most.

018

Lately, I have been engaging in intensive relational artforms, going to meetings, talking to people…experimenting with what it might be like if I were a badass community organizer.

I don’t know if I am a badass community organizer. Probably not.

It’s unreasonable to think that a life-long loner can sustainably engage in endeavors that require consistent social aplomb. I am managing it for now, encouraged by the challenge of it, fascinated by the strangeness of it all.

I seem to be systematically trying to prove that I can do every single thing that people ever doubted I could do. Whether or not I want to do these things, really want to, is another matter entirely…

Mostly, I think I am just an artist - a relational aesthetician, a 1/2 assed situationist, a catalyst of variable precision, a storyteller and a storymaker. I am still trying to sort all of that out.

I have, however, decided that I am finally going to build a suitable artist’s site, with galleries and a statement about what sort of artist I am.

Wait a second, do outsider artists have websites?

003

As an aside, the other night, a person said, “Can we just put away the cameras, just be present here?” and I wondered why it was that I took so many pictures for so long, tried to generate so much proof…of what?

Was it not enough to see for myself?

Did I take pictures to prove something to myself?

001

Here is my problem:

I don’t like the thought that my entries here will be foisted into people’s email accounts, smeared across their readers.

I can’t unsubscribe my few followers, but knowing that when I hit update whatever I’ve written here will be heaved into someone’s unwitting day is an unpleasant thought to me.

I write longform posts, and they are often disjointed.

They are notes.

People are welcome to read my notes.

However, I don’t feel it is polite to insert myself into people’s days, especially nice people who are my friends. When post notifications from this blog are issued, they show up as PROOF OF GOD…and other tragedies. All caps is like yelling…and I’m sorry for that.

From now on, I am going to post once a week, images only – maybe a poem - and then, once the notification has gone out, I am going to finish the post, saying whatever I want to say, not worrying about cluttering up a person’s inbox.  I can add to the post as the week goes on, deposit with a timestamp whatever I feel inspired to save as part of this record.

People can come here of their own volition and will find it if they can.

FRhyne_Cloudcalling_Additional Information - Copy-1

“honest attempts at an opposite ocean”*

008

Spotlights

I left the necklace at home
a tooth on the mantle
a tangle of silver
a pearl in a cage
and I wore nothing
but scarves
and a hat
from somewhere cold
big enough
to hold all the spies that my Western mind can muster

I knew you’d notice
because everyone notices
that hat
in this place.

These barriers here,
they don’t mean a thing
they may as well be the edge of a field
the door of a room
lines in the sand
as far as I am concerned.

The bones of my hands hung over them
like doves
perched and waiting
stretching in sunlight
and out in the open air 
I showed off the diamond, the roses,
the wings
in my skin
that prove
always
that I am who I am.

I opened my throat
wide enough for the clouds
in the corners of my lungs
to escape
in a hush, in a thrum
that cut straight through
the vacuum
of the absent orchestra
that could never have said enough anyway
to fill that empty,
waiting space
that whispered
such simple statements
like you didn’t know
I disagreed
and chose to believe
that you must’ve
somehow
because your ghosts rose
to see me
lit in blue.

So, what can be said of that?

I could have sworn that we were friends for a moment, friends always.

What words could speak of that?

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*this phrase - this perfect and lovely phrase – was not written by me.

3 thoughts on “Inevitable Returns

  1. Hi Faith good to see that you’re keeping on keeping on, in whatever way suits. I say there’s a time for foisting your words on the powers that be. That’s what I’m doing presently. So they can experience what it’s like to hear voices. My voice, through blogs and Emails, a constant reminder of forced psychiatric treatment and human rights abuse. Using whatever means I have to hand.

    Today I’m speaking at a Scottish national conference of the crisis and acute care network in Stirling. I’m on the steering group of this network, the only survivor/carer at present. I’m speaking with a survivor/carer voice, 25 minutes talk and powerpoint slides of my family. Audience of government, clinical staff, psychiatrists, nurses, educators and a few folk like me. I’ve written down what I’m going to say. Cleverly crafted, I hope, so as to shift perspectives and paradigms.

    We can but try. All the best, Chrys

  2. hi there Faith…I love having your work foisted upon me in my email. I also requested that it should happen by subscription. I don’t subscribe or unsubscribe from those I don’t want foisted upon me and in fact have unsubscribed from almost EVERYTHING. Your work happily keeps on coming to me…by choice.

  3. s on the powers that be. That’s what I’m doing presently. So they can experience what it’s like to hear voices. My voice, through blogs and Emails, a constant reminder of forced psychiatric treatment and human rights abuse. Using whatever means I have to hand.”

    Good for you re: speaking at a national conference today, Chrys! So glad to know that is happening in the world and I will keep my fingers crossed that you are heard, you are heard, you are heard…

    Yes, for a time I did quite a bit of foisting…sending all manner of messages to all sorts of folks, entire lists of strangers and I was certain that whole teams of surveillance readers were perusing these pages on a regular basis and that possibly even the Illuminati was paying attention to what was said here.

    Somehow though, having the few subscribers I have is unnerving to me…because you know this is without set purpose and people who subscribed because they want to read my activist voice might end up instead with a long and rambling account of fruitflies or radio playlists and those who subscribed for poetry might end up instead with a rant about fallacies and brain diseases.

    Which is fine, fine, fine I suppose. I am a mixed-bag, a whole person.

    I remember when I used to daydream about this blog being widely read, and I so deeply appreciate those who do read it…but, knowing who they are, knowing some of their names, is unsettling to me for some reason I don’t fully understand.

    I remember an article that I read that said the socially awkward tend to participate in the internet world with the same trappings and anxieties that characterize their in-real-life encounters and so maybe it has something to do with that?

    @Monica – I love you, dear one. Thanks for being out there and being a willing recipient of whatever I might choose to say on any given day. You not unsubscribing me means a lot to me.

    I think I am going to use the strategy I laid out above – sending out poems or images and then filling in the rest once notification has gone out…unless, of course, there is something I want to say to everyone. There is much I want to say to everyone…but, I also really want to write about this fruitfly issue we’ve had and the way that killing them with this odd handheld bug zapper racket we got is so much fun and what that makes me consider about sport and killing.

    Chrys – best of luck to you today! I will keep you in mind and in heart!

    Thank you two, for being among my most reliable readers! I have a couple of others, anonymous lurkers…and I love them, too…because they appreciate whatever I have to say, be it yellowjacket, analysis, or clouds…

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