Dang. Reality.

It just occurred to me that simply deciding that I will sustain myself creatively will not somehow pony up the masses to support me.

Crap.

I’m gonna have to get some sort of job.

Come up with something.

I am going to research the cultivation of culinary mushrooms. Get myself a fungal log or two.

Ugh.

I am going to have to get a job.

Night shift at a group home? Quiet, but hard to stay awake. Could get a lot done, but hard to stay awake.

I need to spend a solid few days doing nothing but research on what my various options are. I think I could work up a solid kickstarter campaign to generate funds to basically do what I am doing now. I need a focus, however – a project. Dying Downtowns of The American South with Two Children Ages 5 and 7: Weekend RoadTrips to Hell and Back. Nope.

The blog speaks volumes, literally, about my ability to maintain productivity. Focus, eh…not so much.

I am having fun structuring my days as if making were a living and in a way it all feels exciting again.

However, the fact is I cannot file a damn thing to save my life. My social skills are iffy at times and big projects overwhelm me. The logistics of making money via making is what throws me.

I can make a ton of stuff, easy. I just don’t know what to do with it.

Nothin’ like a night shift at an independent living facility to help you organize your files of drawings. Almost 400 of them indicating how much better you get if you practice everyday.

We’ll see. Ride it out for a bit. I only left my job two weeks ago. As much as I can’t stand the energy the game face requires, I get squirrelly without “work” – without some obligatory thing that I must do everyday.

Not so much now (kids are a pretty serious obligation:) but the time between jobs used to wreak havoc on my self-concept.

Why am I always going back to how I feel? I don’t even care how I feel. It the Psychiatric Machine, trains you to think of yourself in terms of feeling and reaction rather than concrete action. Measured by what you feel rather than what you do.

Which is kinda screwy, actually. Definitely weird.

Boy, I have had fun thinking that some kindly benefactor would swoop me under the wing and it would all be taken care of…lalalalalalala…

yes, I have always been a dreamer. I think I will take the summer off.

Fall is a good time for new beginnings.

In the meantime, I have a lot to do this summer:)

(You know, I probably could get a ton of work done if I worked a few night shifts every week.)

(I can’t stand night shifts, see – it’s 10:18 pm right now and I’d just be leaving for work…)

Nope. Not gonna think about it now.

I have torn it all down and restructured before…

and suddenly I am quiet tired.

Goodnight.

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