Part 1 of Saturday

I didn’t check this blog yesterday –

I checked my email and other than a form letter from Guardian ad Litem and some promotions from various businesses, including HewlettPackard – which clearly does NOT read this blog, otherwise they’d know I can’t stand the HP mini – but continue to use it, because it is what I foolishly chose, based on ad claims, to purchase.

I delete their ‘Hurry up! 3 day sale!” emails with glee.

Notes to be expanded on later, after I look for suitable birthday gifts for the girl. She will be six on Monday. She has asked for balsa wood and a Barbie car.

This is the last photo of this cluster of branches held against the sky. There was a surprising thunder and lightning storm yesterday afternoon.

Hours later – under dry skies with little breeze – the old oak fell…cleanly across the driveway of the property next door, by which the children’s father reaches the house he had built after we
split.

It was bound to fall. Oak root fungus, I had often noted.

I took special care to point this out as he was negotiating the purchase of the lot. Go figure.

It might seem that I’d be smugly gleeful over the tree that he of rented chainsaw must now deconstruct. I’m not. A downed tree is a hassle I’d wish on nobody.

However, I must admit, while I was watching the storm, sitting on the porch tired and with that dull sense of ache and uselessness…well, I wished for lightning to hit a tree…with the same knawing (sic) wishing that I used to plea for the sky to give me a sign…

After the children fell asleep to the droning of chains gnawing through wood, I wanted to go and help drag limbs through wet grass, sparkling with red lights and blue swooping arcs. I am strong. I would’ve been useful.

I love the smell of fallen oak in rain. It reminds me, ironically, of being young.

I didn’t offer to help. It would’ve bothered him.

Sometimes people don’t want help.
The right of refusal is as important as the right to assistance.

…pride is a pretty silly sort of thing. Nonetheless, I felt something akin to that fullness of self when I checked in on this blog a bit earlier and was able to tell my boy, “Look! Someone from Bucharest saw my pictures! Look! India! Canada! Olympia!”

He smiled and I smiled and I am certain that, for my children, standing up for myself and the beauty I see, the potential we have for grace and dignity…well, extending my hand – even in this initial digital way…it is the right thing to do.

To be be honest and brave in my estimation of truth.

Thank you all so much for your time and hopefulness.

I am going to be recording the song of the day a bit later. I also have some drawings and more recent cloud pictures to post. For now, I need to go shopping for balsa.

Is there really anything to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s