My apologies for run-on sentences and occasional mis-spellings…I am having a great time with the possibility. (I also still would like Mr. Beck to tell me if we’re related or not? He’d have to email me though. I don’t watch the television.)
* I am writing this as an imaginative excursion. I don’t know if any of the 3 papers I wrote re: the girl who might’ve saved the world actually broke the story. I am still waiting for someone to explain it to me. To tell me if it is possible to have the same cloud twice. And I want the Varick to get their computer;) – so, I am just imagining what might happen to my story in the world as I know it to be. Probably a lot of bickering. What a shame.
Man – this is turning into a pretty great allegory…it all comes together…all makes sense…what’s wrong and how to fix it…on both the micro and macrolevel…
Hope that everyone is having a field day…in a sane world, I would hope that Mr. Beck and his friends would have noticed by now and are having a wonderful time picking apart a girl who thinks she has proof of something bigger than they are.
In spite of the fact that I am a nice person. In spite of the fact that I have established my genuine efforts to be agreeable in a disagreeable world and to stand up for what I know in my heart to be true.
I don’t think I am anything but a crash collision of circumstances, a near genius work of art in the minds of some…a laughing stock worthy of scorn, even death…a woman such as myself claiming to know something so divine, so holy…upon which wars are fought and children killed. To others, I guess I am just an embarrassment…I don’t know why.
If you recall my post regarding the swastikloud, I reasoned that perhaps Hitler had seen clouds such as these. Because he was an idiot and a maniac he took them to be proof of his own mightiness. He coopted the symbol, the same one that other civilizations may have seen and integrated into their holiest symbols, those most laden with love and life. He hung it on his flags so that he might recall the incredible clarity and inspiration he felt when he stood gazing at the sky. Convinced he is the one.
To study something with the intensity that I have studied these clouds this summer – as an artist, as a woman torn up over the loss of her stray dog saint, a woman who wore herself out trying to work and mother and de-wife and keep the damn stove running…and draw…everyday.
It was the only thing that kept me alive inside as the person I vaguely recalled myself as being…and as I drew, I remembered trying to draw that horse at the kitchen table and the wood was warm and grained and my mom did dishes and the whole room smelled like soap and the windows were open and the old smell of life and death blew in from the marsh, from the river, from the Atlantic…
I think, as I drew, I remembered what I really loved. I loved being a kid. I loved having to be friends with everyone in my class, even though we didn’t all like one and other. Haha! I’ll have to post up the long banjo improv about how I didn’t sing out loud for twenty years because an eight year old told me I didn’t know how to sing, that I was ruining the whole song: We Are The World…Ms. West’s 3rd grade class, St. Mary’s Elementary.
It bums me out that some of those kids…if they ever read this (well, not this…this is conciliatory and hopeful:) but if they ever read the stuff about economics and culture…well, they might think I’m nuts…because, of course, that is what fast-talking media machine guns people with…quick sharp cookie cutters churning out the worst sort of store-sold shitcakes…hahahaha!
See, mostly I am just a nostalgic genius with a brain that is – if not miraculous – then at least…well, “unique” –
This is a way of entertaining myself and keeping myself uncompromising in what I know is the right thing to do. I am an observer. I’ve always been an observer. (Observe this, bitch.) (Thanks, appreciate that. Very informative.)
What I have observed is that people don’t really seem to give much of a shit lately. I mean, if you recall – my Great Uncle Marcus Beck (RIP) didn’t want to go fight in World War 1…he wanted to be an architect…oh well, I hope he didn’t really die. I hope he ran away to France, full of hope. (No, I don’t want to go France. If you recall, I have children.) My kid wants to be a marine biologist.
Thus if I have a slim shot of somehow making things a little more reasonable, well – that’d be great. I never wanted to offend anybody. I just wanted to tell it as I was, for me. It’s true that I am fairly disgusted by people’s manners.
I am simply suggesting that perhaps we recognize that the tail is wagging us all like a damn finger in our faces. What’s ridiculous is that the dog is ancient and the tail : corporate-driven culture for the profit of fat cats like Mr. Beck in his spiffy studio…while we let celebrity assholes sell us sex and violence so they blow lines in Vegas…they don’t give a shit about my kids…I do.
Which is why when I got a strongly imaginative sense that perhaps we were fucking with something we might not want to fuck with when we pump and pump and pump until it’s just… dead.
Corporate culture seems to be pumping us dry…and fucking us dead. An ugly phrase…folks, it’s an ugly world…full of bickering and unfairness…hatefulness and recent rules held aloft as eternal…
The most grievous thing – as I see it – is the utter lack of sense. Those who believe strongly in God must know in their bones that this Garden was never intended to be Hell. It is hellish. What we are doing. It is scary and insane…far more so than I will ever be.
Adults do seem a bit nervous about me…I saw someone obviously look away from me at the school this morning. Although I appreciate the calls you have made, asking for people’s opinion of my “illness” – well, I’m fine. Thank you.
Please keep in mind that I do not follow media – aside from the checkout aisle – and so this is written with the wondering of what would happen if this story – the girl who wanted to save the world, but who could barely stand to live in it…for it’s meanness, mostly. To her and to the places and people she has loved…and for what?
Profit…either social or fiscal…or just because nobody was standing up for them and they disappeared.
Look where we ended up folks! I am playing with fire…true.
I am trying to put it out.
Oh yeah, so even if this blog is still unread and it’s just a fit of possibility that keeps me feeling half-hopeful. It is a record for myself…of the strangest summer I have ever had…the hardest and the loneliest.
I think God must have felt sorry for me. Then I realized that God probably feels sorry for all of us…mostly because we are so busy and angry and worried that we hardly even have the strength to lift our heads.
I will not stop looking up. Ever.
Fortunately, I have figured out to believe what I know in my heart…instead of all the dull and violent (pithy!) shit that is transmitted from all sides…
This is a brilliant surrealist allegory.
I am getting ready to post up all the letters I wrote to people – all the letters that were unresponded to…I was asking for help…all I ever wanted was to help people in a way that is real…maybe if a couple people notice how the trees against blue sky look so much like a seascape…except empty of fish…and maybe if they feel hopeful for a minute that maybe this was all supposed to be truly delightful and that maybe it still could be…except that our rate of mucking it all up is far exceeding the poor place’s ability to heal itself…
Shouldn’t we care more?
Because who is profiting? Not the people running those rigs. What if somehow I did have a sense? What if somehow the Everything that we call God by so many names was crying out for help and…this is what makes my bones hurt…the deep sadness in my bones when I realize that maybe they wouldn’t listen…even then…just because I am a screw-up. At least I’m a nice screw-up.
Oh, why did Hitler see the clouds? I don’t know. Probably had something to do with the Spanish Civil War. Perhaps it was the hearts of all the Americans who went to help – The Abraham Lincoln Brigades…not because they wanted to fight, or for profit…but, because it was the right thing to do.
I have always said that if you see a way to help and you fail to help, well – that’s pretty close to sin. It’s just important to know who you’re helping – and why.
This is just a project in drawing everyday…trying to find some beauty and sense. Hey, guess what? I found it!
The best thing is, it is totally free. Yay!
I will also post up my pandora’s for this post. Pandora definitely reads this blog. Crazy girl? Nope. Crazy world. Anything is possible when all the smallest points of knowing collide up in the ethers. Anything. Isn’t it great!
It’d be a nightmare for corporations…but, who gives a shit about them? They don’t seem too concerned with me. That’s the beauty of a free market society…they can only sell you what you are willing to buy.
If some foolish pawn wants to start talking conspiracy…I don’t want to overthrow anything. I just want everything to be okay. There is absolutely NO SENSE in people getting treated the way they are getting treated…and by other people.
Congratulations, we’ve evolved to the point of being the only species capable of conceptual bullying and emotional violence. We hate.
God, by any name – did not nurture us to hate. Nope. Media did that. Thanks. Good job, guys.
You totally fucked it all up. Now quit.
This is going to be the best book ever! Awesome.
See what happens when you give people nothing to lose and indict them for offenses they’ve not committed. They dis-invest.
Brilliant surrealist. Brilliant allegory. Brilliantly clear blue skies.
Letters, photos and songs, coming up at some point today.
Just for the record. I like to keep records. For posterity.
That’s why – after the Big Cloud Procession – (no offense…I am going for neutrality…sometimes, it is best to offend everybody, then at least they can agree)
when I thought…hmmm, that looks kind of how the sky would look in a movie, if God existed…except of course, the intense surround soundtrack was missing.
Just the cars going by and some ladies walking by talking.
(So – to my good friends in Florida and Louisiana – if you experience a sense of dis-reality reading this and find that it all seems a bit insane…well, imagine being there…imagine really believing…but, not so much that you could tell the caller…”God is here and it is in everything.” –
Because when you say stuff like that and you mean it in a way that actually means something…well, they think you’re crazy…even if the meaning is really quite wonderfully benevolent and well-intentioned…people can be crazily good, just like they can be crazily bad.)
Life is pretty dang interesting, isn’t it? Especially if you give it a chance to be…