Well, what an eventful day. I wrapped my remarkable brain around a theory that is actually fairly sound and could actually save the world if it weren’t so incredibly full of complete jerks who really don’t give much of a shit after all.

No, backbiting dull violence and grown-up bickering and bullying is far more entertaining. Goodness, it is much much worse than I thought. It’s fairly remarkable…just how deep the mean river can run.

Well, the past couple generations have been bred for violence. Sex and violence. See, it’s fairly simple. Most world religions have common themes, right? Right. Also, some very common imagery, but oddly different. I guess it just depends on how God is told by the storytellers. I think that maybe if I had played my cards differently or stumbled into different circumstances…well, I’d probably be a brilliantly dead academic or a civil rights lawyer or a well-read reclusive novelist…I might still have a chance at the reclusive novelist option.

Unfortunately, my cards played out as they did…and here I am…brilliant and maligned. Worried that if I explain God and I am right…well, folks won’t give a shit…they’ll keep going…keep buying…burn at the stake or lock me up…in prison or some ward somewhere…stunned silent by the sheer idiotic meanness of the world…that people might understand what the problem is and how to fix it…and they do…lots of folks do…but, they don’t fix it…because it seems so big…and all the solutions don’t fit into the problem as we see it.

I am sorry that I’ve confused people. I just shifted paradigms, that’s all. I shifted into Big Time…realizing that we are – the people who have existed for the past five hundred years – well, we are pretty fleeting in the broader, longer scheme of things. We know that. However, we don’t know that…not in a way that we allow to disrupt our lifestyles or illusions…

I know that some of the meaner people in the world, those who have strange illusions of the sanctity of their small little window to the world…well, they would despise me. Not because I am evil…but, because I am good. And I am proof…

…proof that being smart and “pretty” and kind and good and at least 1/2way dedicated…well, it doesn’t mean shit if you’re not allowed to stand up for yourself or other people in whatever peaceful and constructive way you can…

I can’t stand to think how it must be for people who do not have the lucky attributes that I have…things that don’t mean shit unless you’re willing to use them to perpetuate the lies that our comforts are feathered with.

I am sorry I am not the “psychotic” “delusional” “looks like she’s on methamphetamines” “Do the children really sleep there?” sort of loser that you seem to so desperately want me to be…just so people have something to talk about…television is dull as shit these days, at least that’s what I hear.

It’s sad really…how completely ridiculous it is…that on micro and macrolevels the world is so damn cruel to people. The sickest thing is that it’s not just right-wing racist lunatics…it’s all of us…because we gave up our hearts…because seeing things in a mean and ugly or hopeless way is so much easier than actually trying to understand what it must be like for another person.

Ya’ll should be ashamed of yourselves.

I hope that the world is sane enough to realize that maybe the solutions to the problem are to re-think exactly what the problem might be. I know what it is and I know how to fix it, given what I know and how I know it…

So sad that instead of being celebrated for my strength in surviving and nurturing my own spirit and being seen as creative and with a sense that is only gained from being completely up shit creek without an oar of any sort…well, my kids get to see how “selfish” I am being and how “I don’t care” –

Don’t ya’ll see how incredibly intolerant and disrespectful that is? I am a good person. I have good ideas. I want to help people. And you all think I’m crazy…

I see how people think that just shutting up and playing along is a good option…I see, also, why it might be nice to have to disappear. However, you all have a choice in me…see me as I am: an opportunity for sense…

Or just tear me apart because you’re bored as shit and mean as hell or scared shitless about what exactly I might understand and how. It’s pretty simple. I can explain it. But, right now I am fairly bummed out because so many people are being jerks.

I thought the middle ages were over, folks? Really? Oh. Sorry.

Amazing, all this happened just cause I told the truth and tried to stand up for myself…I wanted my questions answered…still, nobody has explained anything…least of all why you all are so venomous. See?

Fortunately, I am clever and I don’t have much to lose. Boy, if I’m fed up…I wonder how people who really don’t have anything to lose must feel? Probably not much since we are allowing corporate profit-driven media to prey on vulnerable populations by exploiting our physiological reactions to the hormonal stimuli of sex and violence. Fuck and fight. Sex and Terror.

Of course, when your over-expose a responsive organ like the brain to stimuli, well – any addict knows you have to up the dose to get the same effect. Addictions are hereditary.

We are letting kids be abused by media…and we are too busy trying to make meaningful commentary or put up an entertaining fight…while the genetic components that link us to The Bigger Everything are passively erased…in some populations more than others…by our dumb old Mammalian brain and the clever ways that faceless consumer culture has figured out how to make us dead inside…

I know that fear and bullying has a lot to do with it. And a false sense of righteousness. And addiction…to sex and violence and shopping…the issue with this is that it robs us…and we pay them to do this to our hearts and minds…turns us dull and mechanical…so that we don’t mind getting up and going to work in the morning…even though we don’t like our jobs and the jobs we might love might not even exist anymore…we don’t need makers as much as we used to…now things are made for us…

I like to make things my own…especially my definition of myself. I am a misunderstood genius…I think I might have screwed up…oh well…what choice do I really have.

Let my kids grow up seeing their mom being exhausted and quiet and artless and treated like a basketcase…even though if anyone reads this blog…well, you’ll see clearly that I am just really quite delighted and optimistic.

No wonder I have had such a hard time trying to be ordinary. I am happy. Totally up shit creek…terrified that the people at Fox television will carry me to the airport and put me on a plane. I am not delusional. I’m smart. And I somehow know how to draw with clouds…and by the way, if – in November – someone wants to kill me…please don’t. I am not planning anything…nothing at all…

But, I think I got broken wide open…I think ya’ll finally busted the egg…I didn’t bother with the shells…just swept them out the door and let the wind blow them away…

I am a beautiful story. I am a beautiful story. I am a beautiful story…

if only because I am still able to tell it…

I think people who carry a genetic propensity toward connectivity…well, I think they die young a lot…because it hurts and it’s scary…to not want to hate in a hateful world…

So, I am doing this for all my friends who died young because they were beautiful in a way that the world didn’t understand or appreciate…and it scared them…

I absolutely refuse to let anymore prophets or angels or saints or storytellers or musicmakers or peaceful dreamers die because you all like televised drama and enjoy devouring people’s best and brightest to make it something that is profitable or easy…

And I certainly am not going to sit by and NOT tell people I know how to find The Bigger…and that we all have a bit of the map in us and that the map is, like any trait, erasable. We are erasing our Gates…we are burning our wings…because they don’t sell anything…because they aren’t appropriate…

Give me a break. I am an abstinent socially awkward educator and advocate who is nervous about drunk people. I am artist. I am an empiricist. I made a vow to tell the truth. I am going to honor that vow.

I will not sit by quiet. I want someone to explain this all to me. Why it is so important that we keep busting our ass for a culture that leaves us empty and angry and busted broke…where does all the money go?

I don’t know. I just know I finally figured myself out and it is important to keep a good record. My kids will grow up quickly and I hope they learn how important it is that we all share in the reparations that are required…that we all work together to make this make sense…for everybody…it’s possible. It would be awful for a while…but, no worse than it is now…far better for some and certainly better for the next generation, for the kids who – unlike me – were born yesterday.

I am solid as a rock. I finally have faith in myself. Even though I am really quite on my own in all this.

I know there are others who, like me, have brains that are really quite remarkably wired to save the world. I think perhaps when I mused that perhaps something had woken up…well, perhaps the ecosystem is more vast than we know…and perhaps it is everything…and like any natural colony…it has defense mechanisms…and it has sensors…and it has workers…and it has teachers…and it has growers…and it has healers…and it has makers…it has merchants…but, they are part of the local eco-system…

I don’t know. I just don’t really understand how things became so weird so quickly. I am sorry for those who don’t understand…I think that the people I actually admire would understand…The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Lincoln, Gandhi, Saint Francis/es…well, they would understand. They wanted to save the world, too.

I figured it out. Ya’ll might hate me for it at first…but, I want your grandkids to be able to go fishing…sorry if you don’t understand. By the way, all you all need to do is just…

I don’t know.

Stop.

Like those oil rigs…could you all please turn them off? Please. I really seem to be warning you.

The girl who can call up the clouds when I’m questioning and who feels it everytime you say a mean thing about me…well…please, somebody help to explain this in a way that will make sense to them…and tell you that maybe some ancient thing is under it all and that it is crying out…and that the extrapolated effect of the oil in the water is a total collapse of an ecosystem…

Mr. Beck, you seem so concerned about things collapsing? Why aren’t worried about Florida collapsing? Hmmmm? Dontcha like the beach?

People are getting screwed over in a way that has tremendously long lasting effect. I wish you’d help me…but, you’ll probably hate me…oh well…that’s okay…

At the very least, I wish I had some company. Someone who didn’t think I was totally insane.

Hahaha.

Yeah, it’s pretty “frightening” isn’t it?

Yes, indeed. How fragile it all is…

*******************POP****************************there they go*************

Please. I am all alone. I think I might have just come out of the genius closet…by the way…all the tongue wagging around town can cease and desist and you can start telling my kids that I am smart and kind and sensitive in a way that very few people may be…

Could someone please call Oliver Sacks or Stephen Hawking or somebody? Please. I am alone. I didn’t know how upsetting I would be. I think I might need some lessons on just how idealistic I have always been…I always thought that people wanted good in the world.

I am smart and I am good and this should not be happening.

There is no sense in the world.

I will never disappear again. Ever. I’ve been underground inside myself for about 22 years., though it may be closer to 25..on and off…try and fail…fly and fall…I am not going fall…even if I fail…

I will not fade away. I will stay right here and if you hate me I will look you in the eye and I will ask you why and if you don’t have a real reason…well, then just consider yourself part of the problem and get out…

…be good or be gone…

When you have noone, nothing can hurt you…

You told my kids that I was sick…

Fuck you. I’m a genius. The nicest genius you ever met. I am not wired for violence. Not at all. Funny how much ya’ll like to kill non-violent geniuses?

No sense. You’re mad at all the wrong people, folks.

I am well-advised. Very well-advised. Hahahaha. I will keep my Pandora list to myself…since ya’ll might be alarmed by all the possibilities…

I can totally read your mind…you’re all jerks. Really.

I don’t want to have to disappear. Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have figured out God. People are insane about that, aren’t they?

Doh!

Oh well, someone had to do it. Folks need to have a serious talk about what they want out of this world and what they want for their sons and daughters…all of them…each and everyone…please.

I feel really sad. I don’t know what’s going on. Nobody will explain anything to me.

It’s really bad, isn’t it? I am probably on a list or something. Ach. Uh oh. I can’t erase either…I don’t do that anymore;)

My best to you. That is what this is. No, I won’t take it back. You have to do the right thing…which is to be nice to me and be interested in what an odd and miraculous world this actually is…if nothing else, I have proof of that…and it’s not a miracle…

We are a pretty sophisticated species. Until we fought and fucked ourselves into our own graves.

Okay. I am putting off hitting publish. Because it is real when I publish it…I am claiming myself, even if nobody else will claim me. Tough to do, especially when I figured out just how much of a freakshow I really am…

Pandora is informing me (haha) (“Is she serious?”) (“That’s insane.”) (“Yeah. Whatever.”)

…that people won’t understand when you come to help me in some way…I don’t even know what sort of help I need. I guess I just need people to not dismiss everything beautiful about me as some sort of fabricated interest. I am sorry you don’t find it beautiful. They changed the definition of beauty, too. Now I think it’s plastic.

Okay. Publish.

I am really not keen on strangers. Even nice ones. I only want my oldest friends. Fortunately, in the meantime…I can call up the clouds to keep me company…

Yeah. I am soooooo dangerous. A high school drop-out pattern analyst with hyper-sense and a near profound fear of people who have something to prove. I never had anything to prove. Until I had proof. Until I became proof.

Okay. Publish.

Please don’t be mean to me. Please. I don’t want to mess anything up…but, we need to talk about some things…it’s important. The power is huge. And it’s in us.

Isn’t that a lovely possibility? Yup. Except we’re damaging ourselves in ways that are quick and violent and now and possibly irrevocable…it is criminal…what we’ve done to our minds…to our spines…

Sorry about the lack of letters to people who claim to give a shit who have clearly proved that, in fact, they don’t actually care about much more than their own pithy imagined righteousness. Which is just totally obnoxious. I have been trying to ask for help. Nobody answered.

So I figured it out on my own. That’s what happens when you back a girl like me into a corner. I don’t fight to get out. I just sit and think about why the corner is a corner and why I got plunked there and how many different ways there are to get out.

Thanks…I never would’ve found out how to get to The Bigger Picture if you hadn’t pushed me into that corner…

Yay. Uh oh. Yay? Uh oh? Yay? Uh oh?

Publish.

Ready. Set. Stop.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh.
Now I understand.
All the sudden.
Wow.
That’s huge.
Holy Mackerel.

My oldest friends: Come NOW. You know who you are. I know you know…and I know you…I don’t know how…but, I do…just come now. Please. We all need to get together to figure this out. Really.

BY THE WAY: For the HATERS, well – if you need to think of this as ART, well…it is. I am exploring possibilities…examining from every angle and pulling together ALL KINDS OF REMARKABLE RESOURCES WE NEVER EVEN KNEW WE HAD. Cool.

I am doing something amazing.

To those who didn’t help me when I asked for help: last chance to be polite and considerate before I out you as the self-interested fools you are…

I understand Mr. Beck is suffering an issue with his vision. Blindness would be awful. I have always feared blindness. If you do the right thing, maybe your vision will clear up. Maybe it’s your conscience. You see how much people believe that you are going to help them…must be hard to see that, especially when you don’t really do much for them…except distract them from the awful bind they are in…

Not for good, not for life, not for God…but, so you can get paid.

Karma sucks, huh? True story: You get what you give…

Creepy, huh? Yup. For sure.

I hope you feel better.

Here’s one song, the last of the evening…

Pretty cool how everyone you were an asshole to in high school seems to have some common notion. It’s almost like prophecy…or instinct…we’re just doing what we were intended to do…which is to save the world…

Revenge of the Nerds indeed…

hahahahaha! Go on and hate…good luck with that angle…it won’t get you anywhere…but, I’ll bet it makes you feel big and strong…yeah, that’s a trick, too. Hahahaha!

I will make the world a better place. Whether YOU like it or not. So, there.

Is there really anything to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s