Today is my favorite sort of November day, as far as weather is concerned. Oddly warm and humid with a breaking blanket of sky that seems to insulate sound. It has been quiet. I woke up still with an awful static loop of reality – all these ridiculous unfortunate circumstances, which are really quite ordinary…the sad ways that stories sometimes go. And I laid there and thought, “Shit, what the fuck am I doing?” And I realized that what I am doing is the best I am able to do without completely lying to myself and to people. “But really,” I thought to myself, “trying to prove God?” And it occurred to me that I never wanted to prove anything, until something was proved to me…and yet did not seem to apply only to me, the girl who was always highly skeptical. The only real thought I ever gave to any Higher Power/Force/Being/Whatever was,
“Where are you then?”
And even though I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything, as I stated in an earlier post, well – in spite of my not looking, I have always – when I am troubled – quietly pleaded with the open air to give me some indication, some direction, some sign…I didn’t think of it as praying, I thought of it as…well, the only thing I could think to do at times of grand impasse. My life has been so damn full of crossroads, it is remarkable the number of turns I have taken and now it seems I have landed in the same place I began…again.
I thought about the Pink Floyd album cover I was so fond of when I was a kid, the one with the triangle and prismatic colors. I considered the evidence and thought about how nice it is to imagine that somehow my own little current is part of something so much bigger, not to imply any imagined connections with Pink Floyd – – – I just work with what I can to keep myself afloat and I saw my neighbor was wearing a shirt with that logo yesterday.
I went outside to throw the ball for the dog and, in spite of it all, well…I felt peaceful in realizing that it is still for the kids, even if they are kept from me. They will not be children forever and I want them to have something other than what they will be otherwise left with…some mechanized husk of a mother. No way am I going out like that.
This one reminds me of my favorite zigzag stitch, or the upholstery on my great-grandmother’s old sofa. I have a very visual memory, I remember things in pictures – I thought everyone did. I can remember tracing the pattern and how the fabric felt under my fingers. I guess that makes me ‘hypersensitive’ in my recollections.
Just like I am ‘crazy’ for seeing hazy approximations of forms and faces in these clouds. I tested at in the 99th percentile (Whatever. Our brains are useless if our hearts are wired wrong…) for picture completion, so maybe I just fill the spaces in between with whatever makes the most sense, to me.
All form and structure is very similar, which is why the same thing can appear completely different, depending on the viewer and his or her background, response to visual stimulation, individual personality traits, and cultural assumptions. However, it seems to me that what has been presented is, in some way, applicable to everyone. We use different names for the same thing.
I think people need to seriously consider what, precisely, they expect when they speak of holy manifestations. I think that Hollywood has put, in our minds’ eye, some slick technicolor high-production vision of God and all that relates to Him/Her/It/Whatever.
I wonder if anyone actually really believes in a God outside of pictures?
I took these pictures this afternoon, as well as a number of others. It seemed to be another passage of old eyes, storied birds, and animal features…and I was, again, struck by how truly elemental we are intended to be and how we have strayed so far from so much that makes us human. Mostly because we didn’t understand, or were not understood, or were flat-out lied to and manipulated to make us more compliant and ‘productive’ populations for the benefit of a few in power.
Here you go: dove and peace sign. Get it?
When this was big in the sky, it looked like an illustration – with figures and animals
I have to go make dinner. I will probably post again, maybe not. By the way, that thing I said about having ‘nobody’ – well, that’s not true.
I have plenty of somebodies, just no one you recognize.
That’s not crazy, it’s honest gratitude for having made it through another day
without losing faith…