Admittedly, the spots on this photo are on my dirty windshield. I was at a stoplight and saw this prism point in the NW sky, at the corner of Biltmore and Charlotte. It was the third glassy firelight I had seen that day and I couldn’t ever recall having seen anything like them. No, haters – it was not a hallucination. Hence the pictures. Anyway, I couldn’t figure out why the sunlight seemed to concentrate so brightly in little spots, like a super-reflection.
Before I noticed the first prismatic glow, I saw that the sky was all stretched with clouds and the formation in the lower center of the photograph sort of reminded me of some of the other clouds I have noticed. So I took this picture at a stoplight and went to take a closer look.
That’s where I noticed the first prism point, like a rainbow not yet arched and too bright to look at directly. Now that I look at the picture, I see that it is odd in all sorts of ways…shadow and streaking and striation. Months ago, I would’ve been inspired to rant over such an unusual little bit of sky. I have never seen an isolated prismatic reflection of sunlight before. Prior to the backlash, I am sure I would’ve pondered the possibility that the Biblical fires in the sky might have been these rare prisms on planes we assume to be flat. Now I know better than to toss out speculations such as that…except I just did, didn’t I? Oops.
This is, I think, the fourth point of light I saw that day.
They were like rainbows being born breech on the day before yesterday.
It has been bitterly cold here and it amazes me that the year that I intended to be a triumphant departure from the trials of 2009 (which now seem petty in comparison) is ending soon…as full of trials as ever. It has been the hardest month(s) of my life and I anticipate that the next little bit of time will be even harder. Full of oath and defense, when really all I ever wanted was some peaceful resolve.
I am trying to maintain some of my summer optimism and to again harness the feeling of graceful benevolence that made the world seem so solidly full of possibility. I can’t wait to get a job. I crave working…to be useful to someone. I am laying the groundwork for better days, enrolling in classes and sending out resumes and applications. I am making all my appointments and fulfilling all the requirements that have been established, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. This just seems to go on forever. I should go volunteer somewhere, but I feel simply covered up…like the tired ground beneath the snow outside.
I have deconstructed so many bubbles, broken down so many processes in language vast and varied…yet somehow I cannot seem to erode my own encapsulation and with every effort to step boldly forward, I find that I have been routed onto an impossibly circular course and that the people who laid out these lines will not allow them to be erased, though they are clearly drawn poorly.
It is amazing to me that I am still standing, alone. If nothing else, that is proof…of any great number of things. My own fortitude being first and foremost among them. For years, I was told I was weak. I clearly am not. I simply will not break. The reason I keep this blog up is to provide evidence of, if nothing else, that plain-faced fact: I will not break.
I am, however, in desperate need of some good old-fashioned good…as I am beginning to think that it may be more rare than I initially assumed.
People are disappointing, again and again and again.