Do I need to remind people, again, that this is a brilliant creative project about subjective belief systems, hope, and intolerance?
If this blog shuts me out of the local job market, via pre-employment web searches (which are weird in and of themselves) – I am going to be very disappointed in people. Not that anyone particularly cares if I am disappointed in them or not.
On the other hand, if people view this blog and make hasty assumptions regarding my employability – thus, furthering my descent into unwarranted isolated poverty…well, that is just one more qualification I have gained as the freakshow postmodern philosopher/outsider artist that you are making me by shutting me out of the local economy and culture.
(It does occur to me that I am not exactly out there participating in the local culture. I am a little disillusioned with my peer group and am, to be honest, just waiting until people decide that they want to talk to me. I am finished ingratiating myself to people. Done. If I sit here alone forever, well – so be it. I want to work, but I have little desire to hang out…probably a little of the sour grapes phenomenon going on there. I admit it.)
Now, if someone could tell me just how exactly I am supposed to be a freakshow postmodern philosopher/outsider artist and still make a living, well – that’d be great. My background is in education and human service, not shameless self-promotion. I have hundreds of drawings that just sit in boxes and piles because I don’t know what else to do with them. I don’t know anything about the silly art world, other than that it seems really fancy and intimidating.
I just like to look at things, draw out lines and erase them, redraw them…take pictures in ways that make the mundane seem interesting.
This is really all very fascinating, isn’t it? How a person can be wrecked by the perceptions of those external to herself and re-made by her own sheer will and left to wonder what’s the point of any of it, what in the world to do next?
Is it really appropriate to deny a person humanity and dignity of function simply because you think their website is weird? Folks, I am not a blog. I am a person…who needs a job and yet who is very reluctant to shut down her creative endeavor, her outlet of thought and idea, just so that I may appear more blandly employable to people who might search my name online.
Is that even legal or ethical? To hold someone’s art and inquiry project against them in considerations for employment? I mean, folks, c’mon – it’s about goodness and mindful awareness of how our fleeting interests and perceptions forge our stories. It’s about commonality and sense.
“Well, couldn’t you just write it all on private files?”
I don’t need to sit in my house alone and write pages that only I will read, that doesn’t seem fun at all…it seems lonely and dull.
Still, I wish sometimes that I’d never started this silly project. It has, in all honesty, screwed up my life…why didn’t I just quit, kill it, mothball it? People told me to. I guess it made me sad to think that I lived in a world in which words on a digital screen could be used to dismantle everything that is real about me. I suppose I am naive about how vicious the world really is…dog eat dog. Sick.
If I can’t get a job soon, I’m gonna need a damn publicist, an agent. Couldn’t someone call Oliver Sacks or Stephen Hawking or something? I’ll bet Stephen Hawking could help me to explain the electromagnetic, evolutionary God that I’ve been hypothesizing about. That would be fantastic!
(No, I’m not being delusional. I am being whimsical.)
Maybe he could help me out with my theory of human consciousness as interpretations of electrical impulses, which would – just for the record – accommodate belief in a higher consciousness, an all knowing force which can convey sense to human beings. Perhaps that is how ‘God spoke’ to prophets? Subliminal blips and beeps and static hum, translated by our mammalian brains into meaning full and true?
It holds water well.
Of course, even discussing such things within the context of circumstance that defines my life is likely to lead to more bleating cries of mental illness. Which is, to be quite frank, ludicrous. In fact, there have even been scholarly papers which explain that ‘spiritual experiences’ ought to be considered exempt from the usual implications of schizotypy, as they demonstrate a form of ‘problem solving.’ (Jackson, M. (1997). Benign schizotypy? The case of spiritual experience. In G. Claridge, Schizotypy: implications for illness and health (p. 213). Oxford: Oxford University Press.)
(I am all about problem solving. I got two points shy of a perfect score on the GRE Logic and Analysis test. I didn’t even care who had to sit across from whom, I just pictured the table and filled up the chairs according to the established rules. I didn’t even know I could that. To be honest, I was surprised. I wish I had known I was really smart earlier in my life…maybe then I wouldn’t have wasted so much damn time trying to be ordinary.)
That is another reason why I haven’t killed the blog, it presents problems…I want to solve them. One of the problems I have identified is that I am presenting accessible hypotheses, backed up by experiential notes and documentation of associated natural phenomena, that could change the way we think about our human experience and nobody cares…that, my friends, is quite concerning.
I am glad that spiritual experiences can be considered kindly under the rubric of mental health diagnoses. I have long suspected that some of the most earnest schizophrenics were probably related to the old prophets, who – themselves – would have been diagnosed as quite delusional within the context of modern cultures.
Nonetheless, I am inclined to think that my most ranting rants were simply the result of excessive caffeine and vitamin B6 as delivered by commercial energy drinks. B6 increases metabolism of serotonin and other neurotransmitters which likely made proving God seem like a dandy idea. I was also under an enormous amount of emotional duress, which alone can contribute to the development of schizotypal features of thought…dissociation and transfer…desperation.
Of course, all of the rants were ultimately precipitated by my observation and documentation of natural phenomenon which were, within the parameters of my understanding, quite inexplicable. I still can’t explain a great deal of it, but I do have my ideas.
This is ridiculous. You all are letting a bravely goodhearted minor-league genius simply gather dust. I am another wasted resource in a squander-minded world.
Simple: I haven’t forgotten how to be curious and hopeful.