These are excerpts from emails. I could expand…


So, yes, there is another option for fun: Trying to change the world. We can get so stuck in our small lives that we forget about the big picture. I think that was one of the hardest things about mental health disorder for me – feeling like my state of wellness and circumstance prevented me from participating in the world, as if I had no place. We ALL have a place, and a big part of recovery for me has been finding what I feel like is my place. It has been a big shift – to go from focusing on my sense of waste and fear to focusing on positive possibility. I think that might be HOPE.

I am figuring out the process by which I learned hope, and I do think it was something I had to learn – it is an entirely different way of orienting yourself to information and experience:)

I think I might have to go write an essay on hope now – perhaps something to share at the Recovery Month event. Wow, —— do you know what you just did? You just inspired me to write something beautiful! I’ll read it on Friday and, who knows, it might just save someone’s life.

The past couple of years for me has, I realize now, been a process of taking inventory – and it wasn’t always pretty, let me assure you:) One the things that has been the hardest part of recovery has been those times of keen awareness of knowing somehow that life was worth living, of WANTING to live, but not knowing what in the hell I was supposed to do.

I finally figured out that it can be a joy to forge a place for yourself in the world. Of course, there is a process for that, too:) I don’t know who said this, can’t remember, but: “Figure out the life you want. Go live it.”

The trick is recognizing that, for most of us, the life we want is one in which we feel ACTUALLY ALIVE. We all are enlivened by different things, and most of us have – at this point – some pretty murky ideas about what we want and what we love.

For most of us, the issue is less about FINDING OURSELVES and more about BEING OURSELVES:)

*****

So, needless to say, I am about out of words right now.

Of course, not quite…

To put it simply, as I articulated it to a couple of people yesterday, and with absolutely little investment in the newagepagangobbledygook – there is some serious shift happening with the turn of the season and it is a rough time of year for a lot of people. It’s like there are updrafts and downdrafts, equally strong – and the undertow will get you my friend, it will. The trick is to out think it and focus your anger and defiance in getting the fuck out of the water. Do not make ANY decisions while you are drowning.

Do not trust your brain and don’t let that motherfucker feed you any shit. Seriously, we’ve been horrifically fucked up and pushed into to dark corners of thought. Meditate, play music, walk – as my penpal says, just keep fucking moving.

Bottom line: there has been no disastrous dissolution of your place in music – it just might not sound the way you THINK it should.

Bottom line: I am very much in recovery, too (for 22 f*cking years I have been trying to recover…do you have any idea the amount of shit that can happen to a person in 22 f*cking years?) and I don’t give a damn what happened and when – the biggest issue is having a handle on the FACT that how you feel and what you communicate actively or passively has an effect on people. There is absolutely no excuse for self involvement and if the way your brain works encourages you to cuddle up with your small miseries, then change the way your brain works by refusing to accept whatever murky version of reality it hands you.

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