The overposting of late is all the result of cortisol.
I am not, at this point, an angry person. Either that, or anger feels different than it used to. I did get “angry” the other day. I get “angry” when people question my value, view me as negligible or even laughable. It is not because I am particularly invested in their opinions of me…it’s just so hideous to think that someone thinks they have a right to define me…or anybody.
I find it offensive, as I recognize that external valuation is the root of modern fascism. I get angry about fascism…it makes me feel hopeless and hateful, because it is such an ugly double bind in so many ways.
“You” may be the most dangerous meme in global history.
I can’t stay “angry” (which mostly feels like wanting to cry) for more than approximately 8 minutes or so. It dissipates into calm fairly quickly. It’s a new neural pathway trigger I’ve been working on? I can’t take “anger” seriously anymore and so I am trying to interpret the neurological anger sequence to lead to a sense of empty-slate calm. It’s a good trick. However, the cognitive distortions that are created by the anger sequence, black-and-white and quick to trigger thoughts, always present me with some bit of unlearning I need to do, some ways in which I may need to draw a line in the sand.
When I am trying to figure something out, when I find myself in a logi-emotional hole, I write my way out.
The reason I keep acquaintance with losers is because I really don’t think anyone is a loser. Everyone is a loser.
We just lose in different ways.
That being said, we all win in different ways, too.
So, we’re all winners.
Whatever. I just try to give people a chance when they seem to have a certain lightness to them, that is pretty much everyone…I can genuinely find something that I appreciate in every.single.person and I tend not to even see the glaring red flags that most socially conscientious people would see. That’s what I meant when I said I was socially vulnerable. I just don’t get it. I think everyone will be kind to me, because I am kind to them because I don’t know how to be any other way. I can’t even, in good conscience, make fun of the Vice Mayor. In all honesty, I felt sorry for George Bush in 2004, during the debates…because people were laughing at him and he didn’t realize it. I thought it was sad, and then felt bad for feeling sorry for him…and then remembered that he is a foul human being* and went to bed.
*the criteria to be met for foulness are fairly simple. Killing kids for war profit and perpetuating sadistic hatefulness. Only one criteria need be met for diagnosis to be made.
The people I get along best with have all almost died. We have all been put into cars and slumped behind locked doors. We have all lost people we loved, the only people in the world who really knew us as we knew ourselves.
Yet, we are all okay.
We misunderstand one another, because we are so used to being misunderstood ourselves. We wish one another well.
I am going to start imaging a world without misunderstanding, where we all know and agree upon what is intended.
Imagine how much time we’d have. I could have painted a picture or organized a forum or written a letter or finished painting the kitchen floor. Instead, I had to spend most of the day processing just what it is that makes me so nervous about people sometimes.
What you give is what you get…I know…it works the other way, too. Sometimes you are given things and then have to figure out what it means when your arms go tingly and there are bees around your ankles and knees, why you want to smile at the wrong times, because they are the wrong time and the right times don’t feel right at all to you. It is all cortisol related.
That tingling feeling is the blood rushing to my arms and legs, getting ready for fight or flight.
Really, I am not going anywhere. I am staying right here and I will, once the cortisol wears off, write my way somewhere else.
I really do need to update about Occupy and function dynamics.
This issue of ‘fucked up’ people is an important one. Full of brambles, for sure.
I think it comes down to a recognition of people’s rights. Today, when I didn’t want to talk to someone and began to walk away, the person got irritated: “What? I have the right to talk to another person, don’t I?”
I said, “No. Not if that person doesn’t want to talk to you.”
I am not sure what the implications of this are in regard to my periodic experimental blasts of unsolicited letters to people whom I reason would, in a perfect world, be remotely interested in my experience as a member of the outlier spectrums.
Still, do I have a right to populate their inbox with my voice? Do I have a right to foist myself into their conscious mind?
How does “Speak only when spoken to…” even play into the whole thing?
That is probably the dumbest saying I have ever heard.
Let’s not even get into the First Amendment.
To me, people are fucked up when they think that their truth supersedes the truth of another person. Someone told me today that I had no wisdom. Clearly, the person was an idiot. (Doh!) Or was he? Am I not placing my truth (that I am, in my own ways, wise) over his?
I don’t think that anyone should make themselves the authority over someone else’s state of being, the content of their character, etc.
“Let us not be judged by the color of our skin, but by the content of our character.”
Or something to that effect…
The effect being that we just figured out new and articulate ways to judge one another.
I guess that is a primary difference between my occasional bouts of letter writing. I mostly just talk about myself. Except for a few letters, in which I proclaimed a sense of profound simpatico and different-but-shared experience. Those letters were sent only to people whom I suspected had dealt with plenty of random proclamations of one sort or another…people that I appraise to be brazen.
Oh? Appraise, huh?
I know. It is absolutely impossible to not enmesh a persona in value of some sort or another. I never was much impressed by money or style or whiteness. Quite the opposite, actually. Therefore, I thought that I was a ‘non-judgemental’ person.
Still, I find myself assessing character a lot.
No wonder nobody wants to hang out with me.
I don’t feel anything one way or another about what I – being aware of my own lens – discern about any given person. I am mostly just figuring out to manage interacting with people in a way that is not totally confusing, to them and to me.
I tend to isolate because I don’t understand people. They require effort and they often make me feel badly.
That’s just today though, the end of January.
Chances are good that I will find my clumsy brand of social bravado again.
Just not quite yet…
Cortisol works with epinephrine (adrenaline) to create memories of short-term emotional events; this is the proposed mechanism for storage of flash bulb memories, and may originate as a means to remember what to avoid in the future. However, long-term exposure to cortisol damages cells in the hippocampus; this damage results in impaired learning. Furthermore, it has been shown that cortisol inhibits memory retrieval of already stored information.