All this? Forever?

“I am curious about your “kill” letter. Though I can picture you being direct (in ways that could conceivably be painful, depending on one’s ego attachments) I have a hard time picturing you being cruel. No. Actually, that’s not true. However, it is not cruelty that I picture. It’s shrewdness, though compassionate shrewdness.

People get shrewdness and cruelty confused and they often fail to see the value of shrewdness. Shrewd is an ugly word. Efficacy is nice. It even sounds like it’s getting something done. Shrewd is a stopping word, a block in the gears, perhaps with ripping and an unpleasant thud afterwords. It’s necessary sometimes to be shrewd. It is a function of efficacy.   (Current: The reason that shrewdness and cruelty get confused is because shrewdness often leads to cruelty, to seeing human beings as a set of factors that impede or support your operation, whatever that may be, and then people become commodities that are either disposable or desirable.  That makes me feel sick. Efficacy is what made Hitler think that it would be okay to kill people and that makes me hate efficacy.

Still, I have certain ways that I think about human relationships and their outcomes and I can be very shrewd in determining whether or not an arrangement or outcome is really something I want to get involved in. 

I am very flexible in what I hold to be true about myself and my ways, but there are a few undeniable frameworks, things I cannot easily change, but can – it’s true – modulate and mitigate and mediate, recognizing that the modulation, mitigation, and mediation (regardless of whether the nature of the action is compromising, accommodating, or accentuative) of our truths is what shapes our human experience.

I am hardpressed to find the words for those truths right now and that surprises me, because they are very much omnipresent in my heart and mind. Okay. Wait. Finding the outline…”

A. Neurological Framework
I. I used to be a genius. I’d probably still be a genius if my brain weren’t pulled in quite so many directions.

  A. Processing
      1. I am a meta-analytical thinker, which helps me to grasp big visionary ideas, but which also puts me at odds with a lot of people, many of whom do not even think about what’s right in front them, much less what it represents in symbolic micro/macro poetic analysis. I have expanded the use of the term ‘Gestalt’ to describe this construction of worldview.
       2. I think in pictures.
       3. I work with patterns.
       4. I miss the trees for the forest sometimes.
B. “Disorder”
       1. I hit diagnostic criteria for a number of “severe and persistent mental illnesses” However, we all do at one point or another.  Some people just don’t get caught in the wrong context.  Rather than being identified as a neurodivergent smarty-pants, I was identified at a young age as having a mental illness.

This was around the time the family land was getting destroyed for a subdivision and I was, it’s true, .losing.my.mind.
This is a long story and bits of it are scattered through my: (See Extracurricular)

       2. I am, as you know, active in the practice of mental health education and advocacy. This is something I am “passionate about.” (I want a new word for passion.)

             a. We are all in recovery from some very bad ideas.
       3. I am not so troubled, as long as my boundaries are respected, my truth honored, my physical needs (food+sleep) addressed. 

             a.I do become stressed (though I wear it well up to a point) with relative ease and am prone to social fatigue at times. I understand that duress leads me to fairly significant states of imbalance, which I then must take steps to correct. It’s an ebb and flow, it comes and goes.
        4. I do not take psychiatric medication.  My doctor is aware of this.  

II. Spiritual
A. I used to be an atheist 

      1. and then I was agnostic 
      2. and then I proved God – by any name – to myself (and others if they are interested) 
      3. and figured out the mechanics of enlightenment…which I know enough about to know that such a statement is, in itself, unenlightened. ‘Tis the fool that makes claims of knowledge. Whatever. In a culminating fit of collapse, extrapolation and deconstructive manifestation, I figured out a fair amount.
         a. I got two points shy of a perfect score on the logic and analysis portion of the GRE. I have a hard time believing in things that don’t make sense, that don’t hold up to tests…but recognize that the measure and meaning can be variable with interpretation.  Anyway, people have known about .All.This.Forever. – so, it’s really no new news.
B. I am going to spare you the details of my rather simple framework for an ecosystemic unified Godforce. It’s all electric. Of course, we know that.  

         1. I have a pretty handy theory of human consciousness (as interpretation of signal and corresponding code, resulting in a cumulative reinforced reality)
        2. that supports the idea that God is in the nature of environmental electromagnetism and is the eternal currents of accumulated stories told by frequency and wave…
        3. and that some people are attuned to these primary archetypal-exultant currents and their lives are shaped by what they feel in their bones and the tips of their fingers, by the sense that floods the back of the mind.
        4. I think most people are receptive to environmental electromagnetism, or were, but that this sense is dulled by modern culture and the constraints of fear and ritual.
        5. This makes me very sad.
C. I take this very seriously, because it makes sense to me and I feel that sense every single day.
D. To some, this is “delusion” (Grab yer tinfoil hats, folks!) – to me, this is all very true.
       1. I rarely speak about this outloud, because I fumble my words and fear that what is most truly profound to me will fall pithy on the ears of the cynical listener.
       2. However, many people understand these truths and I find them here and there and we are always happy to be understood and mutually appreciative of the sheer wonder that is the world unseen and seen through new eyes.
       3. The world amazes me.

D. Oh, my Gawd…this just goes on and on…
      A. No. It doesn’t.
          1. Yes. It does.
          2. However, it does so for the purpose of returning to my original point re: primary truths and core values.
           a. The neurological underpinnings of my human experience set me several strong standard deviations away from the statistical norm. That sometimes presents challenges in social compatability and the boundaries of equilibrium.
          b. The experiences I have had as a result of these divergences has profoundly impacted my character…or, perhaps I had such experiences as an expression of my character? Simulacrum. The map preceeding the territory…or reverse?
          c. See?
          d. My neurology, philosophies and way-out-of-the-box-but-totally-reasonable (really.) spirituality set me somewhat apart.

I try very hard to not foist my frameworks onto other people and this is due to the conscientious recognition of the right of each person to his or her truth, regardless of what I believe.



Oh, re: See Extracurricular

III. Extracurricular
A. www.cloudcalling.blogspot.com this is the (primarily) benevolent dumping ground for all of my “delusional” content and a number of half-formulated theories on the human experience.
     1. It is absolutely terrible in some parts, truly bizarre in others. Some parts are pitiful and sad and offensive. Always, there is a general triumph in ideas and resolution.  Objectively, it is sort of beautiful in that way.
   2. Making good use of some rather unfortunate phone calls and emails that were made/sent during a period of extreme crisis of collective consciousness, I constructed a sub-plot/experiment/narrative involving God, electricity, spies, surveillance, Glenn Beck, referential delusion and Global Revolution. It goes back a couple of years and makes me laughlaughlaugh when I realize that it is all absurdly plausible depending on what you know/believe. I don’t watch many things on screens and so this is one way I keep myself entertained.
     3. Yeah, it’s pretty weird.



Is there really anything to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s