The Device of A New Year

11:46 AM (7 hours ago)

People have asked me, “What exactly are you trying to do here?”
The answer is as complicated as the question, but it can be summarized in one statement:
“I am trying to tell a story.”
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The calendar isn’t quite as pointless as I’d like to imagine it as being.  The meaning we give to time and the mechanisms we make of certain spans are what build the year-in-mind, our chronological diaries of dated memory. Time is a filing system, and it’s an important one.
Sometimes people try to sound like philosophers by pretending that time doesn’t exist, that’s it’s just something that people make up.  Well, yeah, clocks could be split a million different ways and some calendars are based on the number 19.
blocksWe all have our own versions of a year, depending on how we measure our stories, how we stack them on shelves and pin them to refrigerators.
The summer glow was yellow like manila, sharp like dry grass.
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In my mind the year is like a disc, split into seasonal sections overlayed always by the public school August to June, July a bright golden spike of oceanside and cicada sounds.  The winter is small, tight and hunched like charcoal, shadows on the trees holding close. Spring is sex. Fall is Fire. It’s always been this way.
New Year’s Eve is an evening to remember, even if you’d rather forget.
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When I lost my mind, I found that I couldn’t believe in the legitimacy of history any more. I saw that it was full of errors, but not really…wait…there is this premise in many beliefs that everything in the world happens because it had to, or that everything happens the way it was supposed to…?
                                                                                           I don’t think that’s true.
I think a lot of things that were supposed to happen didn’t happen and that a lot of things that shouldn’t have happened did.
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The other day, in the movie theater with the boy, watching the trailers for apocalyptia and post-apocalyptia and wanting to cry, I said, “It’s an interesting time to be growing up, isn’t it?”
He looked a little worried, nodded and ate some popcorn.
The world must end and begin an infinite number of times each day.
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In 2013, I will go places and I will do things.
I hope that I will see as many rivers and bridges as possible.
I’d like to re-plant perennials.
They make a nice calendar.
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There is something distinctly taboo about claiming to have proved God. I am aware of that. I also understand that taboo was established by churches and men, at first out of reverence and then in control.
It is offensive to some people, that I would claim a relationship with God.
I think that’s silly.
Nobody owns God. I’m not even talking about the God of religion, though I think that the expressed metaforces I have come to understand as God are what the God(s) of religions are based in.
Part of it all is simply story, held at arm’s length, studied as if it were not my own.
I am not, obviously, like walking around all, “Yo! I proved God and you know what, it’s your version and that guy’s version and all the stories! It’s all the same God and I can show you why!”
                                                                                        That’d be obnoxious.
The Girl Who Proved God is a statement (a title) that is crafted as literary device, in the style of a Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.
                                                                                               I want to laugh more.
…in the end, God proves itself as storied consciousness and current, archetype, a certain look and few distinct feelings mixed, the cause and effect of impulse, the lightness in the heart and the weight/less of the mind, the way things happen and the fulcrum of possible futures.
———————————————this is an honest letter—————————————–

I guess it’s difficult for most people, particularly when they are still in the process of understanding their understanding and what is to be understood and what cannot be understoood.I need to remind myself, frequently, that my dream is now and my potential is met in every moment that I am aware of my own aliveness.

I’ve always been impatient.

You know about my whole “proving God” thing, huh?

It sounds audacious and megalomaniacal, but it’s not even about me…I am just a part of it, a vehicle of myth, as are so many, perhaps us all.

I was given knowledge that I never sought about how the world works and I knew that it was not my knowledge, but that I now must live by it and that I now must…

I sometimes tell myself that I don’t know what God wants me to do.

That’s not true. God wants me to show people. That’s why God showed me. It was never just for me. I knew that from the beginning.

(Oh, I can’t stand to read this and see how *crazy* it sounds. That hurts, to see that the thing that is most true in one’s life and all that is eternal seems only like half-spoke wisps spelled out.)

Early on, when I thought that surely it would pass, that it might just turn out to be a flight of mad whimsy, unsubstantiated in the end, but when I still felt the proof strongly enough that I wagered I’d better at least experiment with trying to tell people what I had discovered, what had revealed itself to me…well, early on, I cried when I walked down the steps and saw the clouds come up over the house and there were sharp diamond edges cut that held the most golden light and it was a crown as big as the sky and a line of pyramids and I knew that I was watching something holy as the forms came forth, torsos and faces, figures and forms, great writhing lines of bones and light. I tried to film it and in the footage I am crying, saying, “Please. I don’t want to die. I tried…I tried.”

I really did think I was going to die, that God was going to stop my heart for being such a failure. Then I realized that my heart wasn’t going to stop and that I was being a given gift instead and after that I wasn’t afraid to die anymore.

You can hear the phone ring in the video. I had stopped crying a little and I answered the phone. I said hello and then began to explain that the clouds were amazing, that there were vertebrae in the sky.

I felt like I might lose my mind. Not because there were pictures in the sky, but because nobody seemed to believe that there really were (and are!) pictures in the sky and that sometimes God looks like a shape and sometimes eyes and bones and whales and birds and figures stretched out howling, small faces at the edge…that it is all real.

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I knew I wasn’t hallucinating, because I can still find the forms in the photographs, small as they are, and I can remember the feeling of seeing them big in the sky and the way that, sometimes, they were only there for moments, before they drifted into something else.

I didn’t just see the forms and figures, I felt them and when the clouds are active, I am drawn to them and as I watch them, I feel that I am moving with them, and my chest becomes warm and my hands begin to feel lively. I feel my sight change, the world falls away, traffic slows down.

Often there are birds, or breezes and I just watch, amazed as the clouds begin to seem to spell things that I don’t quite know how to read but that I know are meaningful because I can feel their meaning.

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I don’t know how to explain the sheer magnitude of the love that was given to me, the trust that was placed in me, the grace bestowed, the faith invested.

I think I will try to write a poem about that tomorrow.

I still watch the skies everyday and, if I have the time and the headspace to sit for a spell, I can still engage in what I have come to think of as cloudcalling, an intentional process in which I send my heart and my hope into the sky and something rises to answer me in the shapes I see as everything that is old.

The only way I have kept from losing my mind is to try to logically figure out how God works in the world, so that I could understand why it seems like there are signs in the sky.

This sort of thing has been happening for thousands of years, just nobody notices it anymore or believes that it could be real and that it could be possible.

I don’t think I’m special. You, of all people, know how many people find themselves connected to the spirit realm in one way or another. We are all connected. It’s part of being human.

I don’t know what to do with it. Sometimes I think maybe I should just bundle it all into some comfy new age paradigm and hush up.
(I don’t want to do that.)

Other times I think I should fashion myself a postmodern antipop phenom and figure out how to publish a book of narrative adventures in stumbled upon wisdom called The Girl Who Proved God, a madly brilliant culture jam extraordinaire that may afford the opportunity for me to sit in a desert with friends and translate the sky, and talk to people in libraries and in offices while wearing secondhand party dresses, redistribute some funds for mad liberation resources, and rattle the cages of old ideas.
(I do want to do that.)

I hope you are well and visited often by all of the love in the world and that the mid-nights are full of small joys in dreaming.

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One thought on “The Device of A New Year

  1. “my dream is now and my potential is met in every moment that I am aware of my own aliveness.”

    (Sometimes I go through this stuff and just shake my head. Jeez.)

    It’s true though and I like the word ALIVENESS>

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